Today, I feel highly reflective, in contrast to the high-ness that I felt yesterday.

I'm confused about my direction in life.

I have no idea what I am doing. Going to school to learn all what they teach- What is it for?

Going for training 3 times a week- Why should I?

Taking the effort to do things which are socially acceptable, even if I disagree- Who dictates what I do?

What do I want to achieve? I feel the struggle of my conscience as I try to answer that question. I cannot truthfully answer it.

Am I trying to make a difference in the world?

Am I trying to plan my future?

Or am I just lost, with nothing to aim for?

I used to tell myself that whatever I doing now, it is just to aid me in the future, when whatever I do is in the interest of the betterment of the world.

But now, I cannot help but think that my motives are so incredibly selfish. I claim I work hard now, so that I can become a doctor and cure people when I grow up. But really, honestly, is that my sole intention? The materialistic and practical part of me tells me that I am working hard now to become a doctor because the pay is good, then I'll be rich and I can buy all the clothes I want in the world.

Why do I feel this way? I desperately want to be good, to give without hesitation and qualms, to let go of all these material things, to rid myself of earthly pleasures. I want to devote my life to goodwill and to making the world a little happier for everybody. I just want to make everybody happy.

But at the same time, I want to find pleasure and temporary happiness from material things.

I want to be good, I really do. But I can't, I just can't.

I hate it, I really hate my conflicting interests. I want to rid myself of material items, yet I am pining over them. At the same time. It is really frustrating. Really. I absolutely admire those people who know exactly what they are doing. Are strongwilled and headed in a definite direction. Are secure with what they are doing.

So, is that my problem? Insecurity?